Loops, pits and rabbit holes.

When I first started this blog I was stuck in a loop. When an existential crisis hits you there's nothing more you gravitate to but that one thing you know which serves as an anchor to your being- for me, that thing is writing. My earliest childhood joy before even going to school was reading and writing. My parents could already pick up I had an overactive imagination and keeping me locked up in the house when I wasn't at school only fortified the walls of my sociological imagination to home, school, and television propaganda. I thus have a very strong inclination to who I am as told by my father, explored through the education system and contextualized through mass media. The existential crisis is inevitable- for as long as we realize how big of a role our psychological framework plays in determining how we ultimately consolidate the complexity of views and people who directly and indirectly shape how you view yourself. Confronting yourself is triggered by an apparent need or dissatisfaction with accepting how things are. It is an anxiety arresting development causing you to be settled in a loop while you examine the evidence memory and prevailing mindsets brings before you as you put ideas and convictions on trial. It is an awakening in the simulation as you confront your avatar and the script being played out. That is why although I had watched Sarafina so many times- it became more than just a screenplay of a historical narrative. Questions were posed internally and as long as one is big on empathy, the fickleness of life had me questioning what is to live for when others died in circumstances you equally could have been in.

Race became an important bone of contention. A bone easily left in the sun to dry but such ignorance was no longer optional. While having an understanding of relative human coexistence philosophy I had generally found myself to be in denial of my perspective. Race no longer became an issue I could dismiss- not when there was hurt, pain and oppression attached to mine. It became the new predicate for my socialization. I was black. It is an identity I had to inculcate and reconcile with all preinstalled systems within me. It became the foremost apparent identity construct I couldn't pick and choose like my religious or political affiliations. No. Being black was most confrontational because it means something in this lifetime. It was a fair default setting. The loop had taken I some form of structure: Understanding myself is understanding my blackness. Understanding my blackness. This was all too fulfilling to me as it was explorative. It was a catharsis on its own.I could reflect on my past and ruminate on all I have been fed by black people who raised me. I could ponder on what they said and taught me. I can ponder on the behavior they also modeled before me. I could psychoanalyze them...empathy was at work. I could engage in my black counterparts and engage them on their progress in the conundrum. The loop took shape. I had found a great appreciation for sociological explanations and frameworks of understanding life. I was in a liberal institution and could ask all questions to all types of people. My mind was on overtime and this blog remedied the internal bleeding. I could have kept a diary and wrote and kept things to myself but that wouldn't have allowed the dialogue to ensue. The blog was all too personal and capturing my thoughts meant that I could let more people offer their two cents after reading mine. I am fortunate to have entered the rabbit hole- a dark knight cannot rise unless he is thrown into a pit first.

Man, however, is not just a racial being. This becomes further complicated when Race is diagnosed for the social construct it is. It becomes a puzzle to solve if we are going to diagnose identity as a social construct. Convenient for me however as at least I knew answers exist for manmade problems. The game of life has rules and the characters we assume in the game can easily be explained to us by those who know how the game has been set up. To say I am a construct is to say that I am as fictional as Batman is. It is not unfathomable to acknowledge this absurdity but this is as cutthroat as it is. We have come to understand that the system did not fall down from the sky We are programmed and wherever we find ourselves on the chessboard can be understood in the broader scheme of things if one can just broaden their sociological imagination and engage the psychological, philosophical and political school of  thoughts predicating the modern matrix we are in. I was able to deal with my behavior shifting from the what I ought to be to the who I am. It seems there is a drawback into the shadows in this regard. There is a beast which lies within once the bars holding anomie and restraint falls away. Man is in a dialogue internally with himself. Man is responsible for his convictions even if unaware of how to express them. Man needs to understand his construction if he is to relate to his neighbor. Man is projection so much he is facing within. If he sees society divided it is because he is divided. If he sees society divided and society is in its essence divided it is because Man is also divided within. Man is not in isolation from the game. The game is a collective simulation of individual projections of the schisms we are experiencing in the unseen. This makes sense to me. I am complex being and so is my neighbor. I have questions but my neighbor has questions too. I am looking for certainty but so is my neighbor. I feel I am different but so does my neighbor. If we are all divorcing ourselves from the situation then no one can be said to be responsible. Man is left to be a finger pointer where no one actually feels they are too be entirely blamed. If we all deserve to be judged but you deserve mercy than the same can go for the one you deem to be without mercy. I experienced a loop within me because I am essentially in a society caught in a loop. If you have been reading for so long then you should be experiencing the loop right now.

What I appreciate about the time from when I started this blog is the immeasurable treasure of experiential knowledge I have been able to gain. Books I have always read but the chapters of human hearts are usually paged with tears of pain, sorrow, betrayal, and loss. I am really okay now. I have searched so much in trying to understand others- I know I have lost myself in the process. I feel so rich though. There is no conversation I cower from. Overcoming nihilism and slave morality- it becomes easier now to understand the savagery of my own heart, its vileness, and cunningness. It was one thing to read about how desperately wicked the heart can be but it is another to experience it. I am comforted though to be vindicated by the same society- affirming what I have to offer and allowing me to continue amongst them. I have always felt that my reconciliation to society has been something I should've gone through earlier but being where I am now, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I am glad that my conditioners all taught me to ask questions and now that I have held the sword to all of them I am sane to know that I am left with the decisions of where to from now. What I appreciate about confrontation is that you are never truly alone until you know who wields authority between your ears. Life is a power struggle.

My biggest challenge right now is twofold. I have so many stories to tell, I am compelled to express the conclusions. Writing about them sounds like a good idea but because these are not things I have read but truly experienced, I am compelled to express a craft more creative and suitable to the gravity of the process. Do you see how out of crisis I have found purpose? My second challenge right now is rebuilding my spheres of social interaction relating anew not with those who I am trying to necessarily learn from or teach but those who accept me for who I am- as they have equally been exposed to the pages of my heart. This is important in finding out what my convictions are. I need to be free to express myself in all my political incorrectness. I need to express my passion and my joy too. The world awaits me and I am not arriving empty-handed.

Man has many faces. Man has many thinks.

Quarter to an infant

Change is the apology, cant fathom how you’ll pardon me

Hurt souls hurt souls and I signed off our obituary 

Letter to my children be

“I met the love of my life and plainly added to her misery”

No you shouldn’t pity me

‘Selfish asshole’ render me

The culmination of a quarter in all that is hereditary 

All in the mirror see

No excuses for the fuckery 

We took the torch into the darkness: to test what is written see

Stumble upon purpose with

a pen to paint 

pictures as we falling in 

All within my trinity

All because I dared to see

All because the claims are me

All the bad to ugly be

All the judgment welcoming 

Sorry till I’m no more me

sorry till I’m 6ft deep

Penance for the mercy I be needing at his judgment seat

🏾

Mine Origin: In my image imagined

Am I not that vast of a soul?
Will i not deposit myself into five containers? Carriers of my DNA, manifestations of my blueprint, is it absurd to believe they have the capacity to contain me together, how I'd rather leave my legacy in flesh and blood rather than brick and solid mortar?

Certainly not.
Do I not write about them before their conception? Will they not read about how their father long prepared them doctrine through the awareness of his experience. They will be in awe to realise themselves time travellers every time they read my paragraphs. These were written about you before you were agreed to...my present is a contextual past you probably never would've arrived to. Here where you are lies words I will never speak and writings you will never read. I have them shut up in me, with words within the walls of my heart where no door or window now exists.

I have long fixated upon my reflection. I have long longed to hear my echo. I often wondered why am I propelled to treasure the sorcery of a mind I have. One which has cast spells in cunning words and have given healing to many in a tongue salted with holy writ. I have seed within me. It struck me deeply. I have content I need to offload. Who can carry me? Only one of me can. If i begat you, you will be my witness. You are at this point a thought in my mind-all five of you. Here I present you your purpose, to build upon that which I will leave. Your reflection is my reflection. You are good. You are bad. You are ugly. You are all together lovely. Be true. You are who you are even as I am who I am. I continue my difficult life for your sake. You are hope and cannot fail. These words do seal. You are supposed to exceed me. I have prepared you wisdom. You will refer to me and my experience. Narrate better versions for your offspring. Just be true. This is my living wish for you.

I want all five of you.

One child to tell about what I have seen.
Your eyes are wonderful sources of truth. Even in their deception you have much to know. Astray they may lead you...just remember you are a wander despite the strange beds you may wake up in. The darkness is your greatest ally in this regard- you have light needing of it to be so don't fear it.

One child to tell about what I have heard.
Silence will bother you much because listening has it's perks and wisdom will be a nurtured curse. I have heard many things concerning myself my child, but that which are worth hearing are all we utter in agreement. Hear your glory utter.

One child to tell about what I have touched.
The soft skin of a woman's body. The hair of a black woman well kept. The texture of money notes long kept and unused. There is a touch that may cause you to forfeit all of this. God touches those loved by God, and when you experience that touch, grab the hand and don't let go...you will forever have that print. Touch God again and again and again and when you realise your prints on yourselves, wipe them not off. Life is difficult. Heal thyself.

One child to tell about what I have smelled.
The aura of love has never left me. This scent tends to change when you come across souls unloved...they give off a sensual scent arousing to the body. It is thus you should understand that I lived a most of my youth as a conflicted genius sold out to sensuality struggling to escape the contradictions of his philosophy.

Another child for that which I have tasted.
Your eyes will lighten up. There is great delight in the vortex where we originate. If you die there, you would've lost the plot- so becareful. There is much victory in knowing the heavens exist. Even within defeat, take courage- its really just a construct.

I write for your sake. That you may have something to draw from when you confront your conditioning one day. I have resolved that I have much to live for and my understanding is in you. Be one with your voice, explore the mystic. Critic the rational and rationalise the impossible. Reason to exceed your limitations and learn to love even more than you love to learn.

Polarised consciousness & a generation lost

A "lost generation"...that's what they call us.

They say it like we just sprang up out of nowhere. The truth is we were guided into obscurity, well programmed into an identity of a lifelong conundrum, searching for meaning amidst obscurity. We are criticised for our efforts to ameliorate the circumstances arising from selfish conditioning.

The diagnosis hurts, the diagnosis is true.

They did a good job at teaching us about our painful history & countering indignation by giving us frequent assignments on the 'Rainbow Nation'. This was done deliberately with a significant intention: they understood that our history is filled with so much consciousness,they needed to polarise it.

It was important that we knew what happened but not get worked up by the history lessons. We had to obtain the content- but not the spirit. They constructed an education system which was never meant to enlighten a black mind but to cause distortion and ambiguity in her consciousness. Their aim was to ensure that it would be more convenient for her to live a life devoted to maintaining the status quo rather than opposing it. She was thus taught her history in the same vein & passion (if not less) as when she's being taught about fictional stories- 'snow white', 'goldilocks' etc. This was to ensure that the spirit of her mind remains in check. She will perceive and approach her painful history the same way she would a romantic novel- detached but informed.

The system understood it wont last...but it was a better trade off. By the time she discerns and wakes up from the spell,she must needs go through a process of 'unlearning'. This is a passage of unravelling her context in lieu of her identity, critically confronting her conditioning. This is a process the black life goes through while dealing with the ramifications of the same history she is now consciously aware of (excuse the tautology). She goes through this crisis, aware that her survival is contingent on conformity.

At this stage the system has adapted with dealing with a stimulated consciousness, even participating in helping her express her indignation. She will be availed opportunities to participate in forums, dialogues, commissions, movements, seminars, academia & other 'spaces' created by the system to express herself.

'Good' as it may be deemed, it brings no monumental change.

She is in the oppressors eyes as a child kicking and screaming throwing a tantrum in the middle of a shopping aisle. She is merely a child who needs to be attended to because her tantrums are an inconvenience to the lives of those whom the system is for. The system knows that she will never grow to mobilize radically & consistently in 'mind'. So alone,she agitates at her own risk for individual gain. The system knows that numbers will gather, but the basis and momentum will truly be in anger. Only an elite exercise and demonstrate wisdom and its to the detriment of the collective that this tact is not widespread. This is a well anticipated sequence of events too because all that can be done is criminalised so by all means,it funds the revolution. The law is a systematic tool of sustaining the oppression.

Indeed, this was a checkmate before she started crawling.

We are slaves in complicated chains struggling and fighting to be thrown into the plantations.

Liberate yourself. Atleast take charge of the world inbetween your ears. In your consciousness, shop around for survival friendly ideologies. You can either fight and try overthrow the system or live to duplicate it for your own people.  At the end of it all you truly have one life.

The awakening is already being commercialised. Everything is from the system, by the system, for the system.

SHE is not an exception.

'You may be their puppets, but we are not!'

Speech by the Minister of Home Affairs, Malusi Gigaba MP, during the VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE Debate in the National Assembly on 10 November 2016

Here we are again for a 05th frivolous attempt by the opposition since 2014 to win by stealth and cunning battles they had lost on the ground.

What makes a mockery of this are the reasons provided for this new gimmick.

The so-called “state capture” has become the most recent Trojan horse inside which the DA Spartans have hid in their new spurious attempt to waylay democracy.

It would seem that anything would have passed for this debate today; that the DA was waiting for any excuse to bring to the House this motion so that we assist them and participate in their denigration of the President and the ANC.

For people who claim to respect democracy, the judiciary, rule of law and fairness to act in this fashion which demonstrates, on the contrary, their disdain for these fundamental Constitutional principles and values which our nation holds so dear betrays their disingenuity.

In its own statement, the ANC has welcomed the erstwhile Public Protector’s Report, noted the seriousness of the issues it dealt with and welcomed its recommendations, whilst noting that they are inconclusive and contain no binding findings conferring guilt on any party, but rather calls for the establishment of a Commission of Inquiry into allegations of improper relationships and involvement of private interests in the running of the affairs of the State.

Furthermore, the ANC said that it supports, as a matter of principle, the setting up of a Commission of Inquiry, however due regard must be given to the Constitutional prescripts that guide the establishment of such Commission.

If the opposition believed in fairness and the rule of law, they would have welcomed the Public Protector’s Report in toto and instead of jumping the gun to call for a no confidence vote in the President, on the basis of an inconclusive report, they should have waited patiently for the Commission of Inquiry and what it will find.

However, the fact of the matter is that such patience does not exist among those eager to dispose of the ANC in order to defend racial privilege and supremacy.

The truth is that there is a bitter struggle in South Africa between the former oppressors and those whom they had oppressed, for the right and power to determine the political direction of this country as well as the ownership of its economic resources.

When the Anglo-Boer ended in 1902, the Brits in particular and whites in general had secured more than the monopoly of electoral power; they had also secured for themselves the monopoly of political power and property ownership, included in which was the right to make black labour cheap and to exploit it without prohibitions.

Throughout its existence, the system of white supremacy had been predicated on this very notion that in order to plunder South Africa’s natural resources, the white minority had to have the exclusive monopoly of political power in its hands.

The end of the apartheid system constituted the horror of horrors for the racialist political and economic establishment as it elevated the native, long kept at his place as the political underclass and beasts of burden, to political power where they could begin dismantling the system of racial supremacy, occupy the civil service and change the laws and systems that had oppressed them and start systematically to change both the structure of economic ownership and production.

Accordingly, the fight today, as it was in the past and will be tomorrow, is not merely a fight about the person of President Zuma, whilst it may ostensibly seem so, but it is ultimately about the ultimate control of the economic fortunes of this country and her political destiny.

In this regard, we can see right through the actions of the opposition and their façade.

These self-appointed ‘defenders of the Constitution and rule of law’, in and out of this House, fail the fundamental test of their own claims and assertions.

Ultimately, the true test of one’s commitment to a particular principle is not your willingness to respect it insofar as it applies to you or your friends, but rather when dealing with your opponents.

So on this basis alone, this motion is clearly spurious, and should therefore not be supported.

However, Lenin warns us that:

“People always have been the foolish victims of deception and self-deception in politics, and they always will be until they have learnt to seek out the interests of some class or other behind all moral, religious, political and social phrases, declarations and promises.”

At best, this motion is merely about political point scoring, but at worst, it is characteristic of the abhorrent ploys by the global empire and their local political hoodlums under guises of good governance and defending the Constitution and the rule of law to steal political power in order to defend, protect and advance their exclusive economic interests.

The CIA used this strategy in Iran in 1951 following a decision by the then Iranian Prime Minister Mohammad Mossadegh to nationalise Iranian oil, thus taking it away from a British company that was exploiting it and the Iranian people.

According to John Perkins, author of “The New Confessions of an Economic Hitman”, Britain enlisted the assistance of the US, their ally, and

“Instead of sending in the Marines, therefore, Washington dispatched CIA agent Kermit Roosevelt (Theodore’s grandson). He performed brilliantly, winning people over and through payoffs and threats. He then enlisted them to organise a series of street riots and violent demonstrations, which created the impression that Mossadegh was unpopular and inept. In the end, Mossadegh went down and spent the rest of his life under house arrest. The pro-American Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi became the unchallenged dictator.”

Certainly, Iran was not to be the only and final country to experience such foreign interventions with the support of local actors; this is also the story of Panama, Ecuador, Iraq, of Libya and Zimbabwe closer to home.

The modus operandi remains the same, driven by a cartel of global governments, local politicians, big global and domestic capital and corporations.

At its heart, this is about the commercial interests of the rich and powerful who control the media and pay off local political actors, journalists and others in pursuit of their depraved agenda.

For years the opposition has adopted a strategy of personalized fixation and attacks focused on President Zuma, aimed at demonizing him and rendering him unpopular, portraying his leadership of our country as inept, corrupt-ridden, irrational, irresponsible and reckless.

This was precisely the argument made earlier today when this farcical motion was tabled.

Mossadegh’s crime in Iran was to reclaim their oil; Torijos’ crime in Panama was to reclaim the Panama Canal, Roldos’s crime in Ecuador was to defend their oil, and so were the crimes of Muammar Gaddafi in Libya and Saddam Husein in Iraq.

In our case, our extensive mineral wealth, BRICS and the prospective nuclear power station in South Africa lie at the heart of the regime-change offensive we are subjected to.

Accepting this agenda and not opposing it to the very death will be our biggest folly.

As one member of the Cuban Five said during their trial in the US, refusing to cower and cringe in front of the imperialist repressive machine, so we too repeat after him that:

“Here, on this soil, we stand with our robust souls!”

There will be no retreat; there will be no surrender from us!

The ANC prosecutes an historic mission to forge a united, democratic, non-racist, non-sexist and prosperous society.

While the DA pays lip service to poverty, unemployment and inequality, we know these conditions intimately because our people have lived in them for centuries, condemned to their brutality by the system of racial tyranny of which the DA today is the most ardent defender and single-minded promoter.

For 104 years, our movement has struggled to overturn these conditions, concentrated as they are on black people in general, and Africans in particular.

The ANC has deployed Comrade Jacob Zuma as President to lead the implementation of a programme in government which will overcome these conditions.

It is under President Zuma’s leadership that,

- the National Development Plan was drafted and adopted;
- the National Health Insurance is being piloted;
- a new HIV and AIDS programme was developed, giving a real chance to long productive life to those living with HIV and AIDS;
- this country unveiled the largest infrastructure roll-out in its history;
- focus was changed towards rural development and has spearheaded a radical land reform programme;
- we now have two new universities in the Northern Cape and Mpumalanga;
- Further Education and Training Colleges have been restructured, their profile raised and billions of rand of investment made to improve their infrastructure;
- the NSFAS has been increased to over R10bn in 2016/17, and the children of poor parents and the “missing middle” earning less than R600m will continue to receive financial support from government;
- a bold capital expenditure expansion was announced by State-Owned Companies reflecting the expansionary outlook of this government towards economic investments;
- the first female AU Commission Chairperson in its 50 years of existence was elected;
- the energy challenge was resolved and nine-point plan for economic recovery developed.

These are the issues our political class should be focusing on.

South Africans would be better served by an opposition that seeks to improve existing initiatives, or offers compelling alternatives, rather than sitting back – free of the responsibility to govern – plotting ways to win news cycles and score political points.

Working together, with all South Africans who are committed to taking positive steps to improve our economy and society, we will move South Africa forward.

Our country’s politics today is too divided and polarised, driven by racial-commercial interests.

We need to unite our nation because these divisions are not good for all of us, especially during these difficult economic times.

The future of our Republic hangs by a thread; poverty, inequality and joblessness weaken all of us collectively; nobody benefits from their perpetuation.

Our country cries out for a leadership that will unite us, bridge the gaps, restore our hope in the future and point us ever forward towards the promise of a better life in a national democratic society where all shall enjoy their fundamental rights as equals.

We hear the call of our people for a good, visionary, uniting, ethical, transparent and accountable leadership that places the interests of the nation ahead of their own.

We know that there are many mistakes we commit as leadership in the course of pursuing our people’s interests.

This democracy is young, and so we learn by doing.

What we do not do right, we are determined to correct as we continue to learn how to better lead and serve our people in their very own best interests.

Finally, let me refer you to a conversation between a Buddha who was interrupted by a man during a lecture with a flood of abuse.

When the man finished, the Buddha asked him:

“If a man offered a gift to another, but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong to?
To the one who offered it, said the man.
Then, said the Buddha, I decline to accept your abuse and request you to keep it for yourself.”

This is our message to our opposition today: we decline to accept your abuse and request you to keep it for yourselves.

We will oppose this vote, not because, as we have said it, we take lightly the issues of corruption, integrity and transparency, but because we cannot join the regime change and economic plunder campaign of your global and domestic masters.

You may be their puppets, but we are not!

I thank you

The Rainbow nation and the use and abuse of history: June 16 1976

"South Africa’s racial problems are a result of what happens when forgiveness is granted before the crime is acknowledged"

The concept of the ‘Rainbow nation’ is at odds with the commemoration of 40 years since the epoch of the June 16 1976 Soweto uprising, in which a milestone of nothing has been achieved. I use the term nothing, not as a manifestation of defeat, but rather of the continued perpetuation of oppression that sought to be dismantled 40 years ago. In consequence, at the heart of the student protests across South Africa (40 years later) is the immediate question of the right to learn. 

In choosing to adopt tactics that have forced institutions to shut down and preventing learning from happening in its usual ways, protesting students have come under fire for interfering in the lives of those who choose not to participate in campaigns that are said to affect ‘a minority’. As students, we have been chastised by our vice-chancellors and Minister of Higher Education Blade Nzimande for infringing on the rights of other members of their university communities to engage in “the academic project” and, in the usual sensational style of the mainstream media, the actions of students have been characterized as “violent”.

In dealing with the above mentioned, the use and abuse of history has been brought to the fore. In all honesty, South Africa’s racial problems are a result of what happens when forgiveness is granted before the crime is acknowledged. 40 years since 16th June, 1976, the use of history allows the youth, under the current status quo, to go back to the white community and say ‘A large number of young people were shot and killed for no other reason than for the fact that they did not want to live in a society where they were second-class citizens’.
If this remains true, which I posit, then many whites cannot maintain the argument that they did not take part or condone repression of blacks and that they are being made scapegoats if they continue to benefit from a system that still places their relevance above others.
To borrow a few words from Fanon: a “[person] is human only to that extent in which [they] try to impose [their] existence on another [person] in order to be recognized by [them]. As long as [they are] not effectively recognized by the other, that other will remain the theme of [their] actions”. For a while, then, our right to protest allows us to disrupt the usual ways in which the right to learn is given effect to, asking how it might be that this right can be put into effect for us all regardless of our ability to pay for it.

The 2015 #FeesMustFall nationwide protest was a cry to relieve students from the exorbitant tuition fees of institutions of higher learning and a call to end the privatization and capitalization of education. Its potency stemmed from the rationale that we have entered an age in which education is not just a luxury permitting some people an advantage over others, but rather has become a necessity without which a person is defenseless in this complex, industrialized society. While the issue of fees increases might be resolved in the immediate term, the discussion about free higher education forces us to reopen a national debate that the student movement lost in the mid-1990s when transformation became reduced to a series of technocratic interventions, and the representation of different constituencies (or “stakeholders”) in institutional processes and structures increasingly began to dominate the discussions about and approaches to transformation. As this happened, our struggles for changing the very nature of structures of governance such as councils, curricula, forms of learning and teaching, and a decommodified system overall, slowly disappeared.


Taking on the baton from 1976, the years 2015/2016 have marred us with points of reflection around transformation of Institutions of higher learning and have shoved us into a space of moving beyond rhetoric into a space of taking up action. As students problematize the state of transformation today, arguing that current technocratic agendas do not serve the interests of a majority of students or society more generally, it is perhaps time for us to revisit some of the decisions that were settled on in the past. And there is no better premise to begin this discourse other than acknowledging that, As Biko puts it, “[the] white society collectively owes the blacks so huge a debt that no one member should automatically expect to escape from the blanket condemnation that needs must come from the black world”.


By Thabo Shingange

God Colour

"Depending on their depth they can paint me whatever colour

Yet You incarnate me in the flesh...and deemed black to be all too befitting"

They paint You evil for the things they deem should've never have happened
I'll paint you red though...because bloody is the altar that I long to revisit
Cryptic are the thoughts which I long to continue to think in
I have read Your story and I have since battled with where I am supposed to fit in
I'm no longer worried about my conflict, I have long resolved that all of this is spiritually scripted
Navigated by Your hand, heavily upon me I feel your shiftings Into the world of the unknown yet often I hear them refer to
The life of a God in the heart of a black boy
The journey is lonely and I no longer hardly explain You
Depending on their depth they can paint me whatever colour
Yet You incarnate me in the flesh...and deemed black to be all too befitting
I am un-enlightened because I continue believing
Despite the carnage my people suffered in the books of our history
Unapologetic
graphic
a poetic experience
You made a call and I'd be deceitful to say that I never heard it
Needless to say what I never anticipated was how alone I'd be feeling
To die before my time would be an even awkward conclusion

You are Eternal

Im daily possessed by the mystery of my existence
The patience of Diety make my hearts beats faster as I mimic Its impulse
Stare long enough in the mirror, try to get a glimpse of my inner complexion
My soul is darker than my skin, is this an accurate reflection?
Am I supposed to be offended? Does it offend you? Am I in need of an inner cleansing?
Or is this a depiction of everybody else's burdens I'm continually carrying?
We all too creatures in a world all too savage
Hope being the rarest of currencies and counterfeits have left most of us disappointed in searching
Hurt is inevitable...we wake up daily expecting
We have found beauty in these lacerations that are supposed to be scary
Synchronize our reactions to better the stories we still hope to live to be telling
Of how a God undefined can give you experiences you can not begin to imagine
Synchronize our reactions to better the stories we still hope to live to be telling
We have found beauty in these lacerations that are supposed to be scary
Hurt is inevitable...we wake up daily expecting
Hope being the rarest of currencies and counterfeits have left most of us disappointed in searching
We all too creatures in a world all too savage
Or is this a depiction of everybody else's burdens I'm continually carrying?
Am I supposed to be offended? Does it offend you? Am I in need of an inner cleansing?
My soul is darker than my skin, is this an accurate reflection?
Stare long enough in the mirror, try to get a glimpse of my inner complexion
The patience of Diety make my hearts beats faster as I mimic His impulse
Im daily possessed by the mystery of my existence

Eternal you are

To die before my time would be an even awkward conclusion
Needless to say what I never anticipated was how alone I'd be feeling
You made a call and I'd be deceitful to say that I never heard it
A poetic experience, so graphic I'm left so unapologetic
To right the wrongs my people suffered in the books of our history
God's in a black boy, that's the enlightenment
Out of the darkness of the black within, I will paint you a mystery.

I too paint paint You black...

...You are a my Mystery.

Freedom next time

"Philela Gilwa writes on freedom in his lifetime"

"In this very same atmosphere of having honest discourse on Race, Reconciliation, Freedom and other matters of national interest that beg to be engaged fervently and unapologetically without any fear of controversy and not finding sweet resonance with the firm sentiments that most people dearly maintain on the 1994 victory that has eventually turned out to be monumental falsehood. As a response to the current trajectory and some of the events which have become a daily occurrence of late, thus compelling us to resuscitate social dialogue to frankly address contradictions. It is imperative for our generation that, after defining our struggle in a rainbow nation that was never there and after all the necessary criticism we level against the inherently anti-black economic system that continually suck the hope out of our hearts, We must, through a culture of self-criticism, having dialogues, convening platforms for heated discussions/debates, and favorable atmosphere for the contestation and consolidation of ideas, shoulder the herculean task of providing feasible economic proposals so to combat and counter the harsh realities we subjected to.

More so, To counter the jack-boot of structural/institutionalized racism(white supremacist matrix), through sharpened ideological weapons/ groundbreaking tools of analysis,we must iron out the contradictions amongst us. We must also guard against being bamboozled by any hogwash, against being caught up in useless demagoguery rhetoric, and populists slogan(eering) which bears no fruits but We must encourage robust engagements that are rationally channeled towards squaring against our collective plight.

To the current 'democratic' dispensation, History will surely have its say. It will not tell a story of genuine reconciliation(restorative justice/ retribution) and born free generation. It will not tell a story of democracy and equality. History will tell the story of young people born at the dawn of a democratic dispensation who were filled with optimism about an idealistic rainbow nation that never was, a brandwagon and delusion that was championed and spearheaded by statesman(Nelson Mandela) and religious moguls(Desmond Tutu). History will tell the story of black children whose humanity is destroyed by the brutality of life in the marginalized and under-resourced apartheid settler's regime constructs called townships, a modern day concentration camps where Africans remain hopelessly downtrodden economically, living in sub-standard houses, to top that, time and again used to maximize votes and election's number games by power mongers, reduced to an animali(stic) existence and forced to dig their flesh for survival under the merciless white-monopoly capitalist system. It will tell the story of what it means to be black in a democratic south africa; that poverty, destitution and hunger continue to have a black face. History will tell that democracy is just a word when millions of blacks are starving, unemployed, subservient and landless.

De-racializing government doesn't translate or paramount(s) to the restructuring of the economy. It was Biko's depth and range of thought that cautioned against the meaningless political breakthrough marked by co-option of elites into a rotten system, when he observed that in South Africa there is such an ill distribution of wealth that any form of political freedom that does not touch on the proper distribution of wealth will be meaningless.

Needless to say,South Africa as we have experienced it, is but a tale of two worlds where blacks live in hell whilst their counterparts live in heaven of an undeserved privilege accumulated through the sweat and victimization of black bodies, but mostly it has taught us that, democracy is impossible without political freedom but political freedom is not the ultimate objective of the revolutionary struggle. The ultimate objective is economic freedom, the emancipation of our people from clutches of economic bondage. Political conquest and subjugation has, arguably, been partially lifted, now the struggle for economic freedom continues till the vast majority is emancipated from the economic subjugation and exploitation that defined the pre-1994 period.

We are our own liberators!

Freedom Next time Mzala!

ECONOMIC FREEDOM IN OUR LIFETIME"

By Philela Gilwa

Beyond ‪#‎FeesMustFall‬

The following was delivered by a Mosibudi Rassie Rasethaba at a panel discussion at the University of Pretoria on the 14th April 2016

“Good Afternoon fellow panellists, colleagues and fallists

When I was asked to be on this panel today I was a bit reluctant as I believe that I was not in the right state of mind to have this talk yet. I am still trying to figure out where the fallist movement is and where it is going and what it really stands for. So do not expect too many answers from what I will say here today and with that said, let me start off with this.

“Each generation must discover its mission, fulfill it or betray it, in relative opacity.” This is a quote from the popular and widely read Frantz Fanon.

I start off with this quote because I believe we have a mission and it was long discovered before we were born. Our mission was discovered by those that went before us. You can find them all over the African continent, some are known but many have been erased from our collective memory. These are the young women and men of Africa who refused to be the subjects and servants of the Queens and Kings of Europe, who defied the unjust and brutal rulership of Kings and Queens unknown to them. These are the Haitians that led a revolution against the colonial masters.

Its 2016 and not much has changed from the colonial times. Yes, we might have what we call a democratic country, access to universities such as these but it is all the same. What we have today is a neo-colonial system that is not run by monarchs but multi-national corporations, bankers and Western powers. They dictate to the world, their colonies what they should do. Like the old colonial system that was managed by the indigenous elites who served the interests of their masters in Europe, the not so new system is managed by Governments and heads of institutions such as our very own University.

Now one of the question that was posed to us, is how the University of Pretoria together with government reacted to the demands put forward by the students? And the simple answer to that is that they responded like any good manger of the colonial system would. The university together with government responded to short term and immediate solutions to silence the potential overthrow of the unjust system. They pacified the students by throwing a 0% increase on fees and forming so called transformation committees with no true intention to transform or in this case decolonize as the fallist movement has imagined it.

The main focus of today’s discussion is decolonization of the curriculum. But before I go into that I want to say it is impossible to have a decolonized curriculum whilst we live in the colony. The so called curriculum will serve no good to the people of the colony, because in order for citizens to live and prosper in the colony they need the tools of the colony. So what I am proposing here today is that we decolonize Africa. The land and wealth must be returned to its rightful owners, and once that is done we can start speaking. When the indigenous people of Africa reclaim back the land their dignity and humanity will be restored and they will be able to speak on issues that matter to them. At the current moment it is difficult and near impossible to speak of a decolonized curriculum because academics know where their bread and butter comes from. Teaching or producing any knowledge outside of the dominant Eurocentric epistemology means no food on the table for you. This puts academics in a very difficult position, even though they want to deviate from the popular Eurocentric world view they are unable to.

With that said, I think focus needs to be put into the new student movements or fallist movement. Those are the spaces where a decolonized education needs to be taught. These are the spaces that help shape our thinking in order to overthrow the current unjust system that seeks to benefit a select few whilst marginalising and subjugating the majority. What is very evident is that these progressive spaces themselves need some house cleaning, failure to do so will only see a new group of elite intellectuals being produced. What the fallist movement has taught us, is that colonialism and imperialism has affected us violently in multiple and different ways. This means that whatever knowledge that is being discussed and produced needs to be intersectional in nature and be aware of how power and oppression operates on different levels. This is in order for the overthrow of the current unjust system as to usher in a new system that does not recreate the old oppressive and violent tendencies of the colony.

The fallist movement finds itself in a very difficult position. There isn’t one dominant guiding ideology, making it difficult for unity thus slowing down the progress. However through open dialogue, honesty and willingness to learn from each other the movement can achieve what those that have gone before us have failed to do. Overthrow the colonial masters, reclaim our humanity, dignity and the land.

To end off, I would like to say that if our movement cannot speak to the gogo in Giyani, the girl in Kuruman, the miner in Marikana it is a useless movement that is really not concerned with the true liberation of our people.  

It would be unfair of me to not acknowledge the resistance that has been shown by our black sisters and brothers in the former black universities, to our sisters in brothers in Rhodes must fall, Open Stellenbosh, BSM, Transform Wits and other Progressive student formations such as EFFSC and PASMA. Without their collective effort the project of decolinisation would be limited to just a few. They have helped reawaken our mission, but this time round we it is our duty as the daughters and sons of the soil to complete the mission.”

Mosibudi Rassie Rasethaba

Mine Origin: all too fathered

03:00 24March

I feel it the more excruciating whenever your voice goes further away from me into the distant nowhere. Today I almost lost my marbles too contemplative about what is holding me together as an entire entity called ‘person’. In this introspection I found myself gazing at you for a model. I search the inborn sanity and acceptance of our becoming. I am body parts knit together and a face nobody else has. I am an image. I was given an identity by those who brought me about. They gave me a name. This was done to distinguish me from the others. They too have names, for the same reasons I suppose. It seems I was found too unique of a person to not not have a name. The design behind everything is telling. It is a science I seem to be on the pursuit of time to pursue. The top layer of this surface is deeper than I thought…I have stumbled upon something. Is this the origins of ‘awe’? Have others realized this? I am further indifferent. This is a cup I seem to be serving myself. This stream of consciousness has me quoting myself. I should be the first reader of all things I author. I feel I am in the wrong for highly regarding the willingness of another soul in understanding a narrative I spend little to no time explaining. I expect too much. How naïve of me to believe acceptance will be achieved through silence or general contempt for a faux interpretation. I rid myself of the pressure…this is a beginning I myself am grappling with. 

20:00 27March

The supernatural will always be controversial. It is personal. It is sacred. It is politically incorrect. The authoritative experiences of the initiate aren’t consumer friendly. They are inconsistent with fathomable narratives. The supernatural preexists today. Its abnormal…we cannot leave much to mystery so there has to be an explanation for all we experience.  We want to control. If we cannot control then we discard.  The supernatural has antagonized us much. It isn’t easy incorporating what is still widely misunderstood. It is the audacity of the supernatural which offends most. How it still insists on concerning itself with us even in our ignorance. We are prey to the supernatural if we’re still uncertain about our whereabouts…our origins…where we spring from. The supernatural needs no invitation in our lives. We are allies with the esoteric world if we understand the languages employed and laws governing it. The supernatural is confrontational, almost like we are actually supposed to be in constant synchronization between two alternate worlds and still remain harmonious human beings. Here is where the mother of all my conflict makes herself known: our understanding is hindered by conceptual challenges. This will always be the root of all I try to build into myself. I found myself taking another perspective - not a second or third one, I’ve really lost count. It is because of the supernatural that I will forever be questioning…myself…my world(s)…and it is because of the supernatural that I have seen conclusions aren’t goals…but means in themselves. I conclude things to be inconclusive. The supernatural was never meant to be a transcendent destination…perhaps if you speak from the dead. The supernatural though, with us all the time, a point of departure is a better reception as we conceptualize it. We don’t want to be bothered with what calls for a complete overhaul and a series of “why?” questions into our lives. I know a place, where the supernatural is not offensive, where it’s actually quite normal. A place not far, just really a ‘concept throw’ away. You will do well to not label the infinite and unfathomable using terms finite and contentious. You will do well to keep your mind open lest your brains fall out. You will do well to realize perhaps your life is just a parable to be told in ages after you leave us. You will do well to consider how the concern was always about the supernatural grappling with what belongs to it… I do well to wrestle back with my Origin.

18:00 April04

Let me tell you about my dad

Lately I have been speaking of you much. 

I bring to memory my origins and you are all I reference mostly.

Out of the abundance of my heart I talk of you with much joy and tears. I guess it is expedient…as I transition out of your nest; I was at fault for thinking that this meant not being around to keep hearing from you. It is naïve of me… to think I can undo in a year what you have spent 22 years doing to me. My whole make up is a product of all you have done. The decisions I’ve taken so far, my approach to conflicts, I am fully cognitive of the fact that my rebellion is your engineering as well.

You may not have been conscious of certain things at the time…I am allowed to ponder about such because I speak from the privilege of the present which allows me to reflect back.  I speak because I am inspired to…heavily…I am to pay homage to you. This is my narrative of you….no better or truer narrative can and will be written. As you have been the only constant in my plight from birth till now, so do I deem myself the best to speak about, of and on behalf of you. I am your son. In your image, I am. Brothers and sisters I may have but none of them have caught your heart and mind like I have. I am the faithful victim of your love. I am confused because you never made things simple. I now understand…nothing about this life is simple. I will speak out of anger and gratitude. Angry because I wish things were different, but this is human of me. Gratitude because it seems given the same circumstances I would have raised me the same. I justify you today…I couldn’t comprehend the God complex working through you. Your hand has always been hard but your love has always been where all your dealings come from. Be vindicated. You spoke of experience being your teacher and how I am subservient to you because of that. You’ve always asked me to look unto you because no better father exists out there. You have always had our privilege checked. I recall the rage I would have…much indignant for your insistence in keeping me awake to the harsh realities of life. I would be ‘indignant’…it must not have been easy for you…you told me of how stubborn I am. “Many out there don’t have fathers” you would say, ”..and if they do have fathers I can tell you they aren’t like I am in the attention I give”. Only now do i realize you are referring to people who I now call my future best men and pall bearers. I am truly all too fathered.

May God grant me strength to carry the burden you place upon me. How you expect the world from me and still want to share with me your hell. You are a difficult person You are a hard person I am compelled to do things my way just as you have done so all your life. I am persuaded to not repeat your mistakes….how you are slowly becoming to me the same people who have left you for destitute. I need to stand on someone though, your shoulders are the broadest and your soul bleeds the most- who can bind up your wounds?

You are an exception aren’t you?  and if I am made in your image then shouldn’t I be the same?

How naïve of me to believe I can narrate and jot down my life and the experiential knowledge that still comes with it. I will help keep you alive, its my purpose as a son. To heal a broken family before I die again in mine.

Fight or flight: When the underdogs strike back

"As the oppressed we are not instigators or initiators of violent or forceful means. We are really just underdogs striking back: may we therefore so be painted."

The rhetoric of some following the narrative of protests around the country, whether organized, sporadic or spontaneous, usually has a tone of “we really support your cry but ag, this violence is really not helping”. While it is expected and understandable for supporters, bystanders and those who are not directly involved to encourage and promote a “non-violence” approach, there should be a consistency in understanding the climate of what could be deemed as a “crisis”. The language policy and institutional culture at the University of Pretoria (now to be referred to as the Panoptic) is not reflective of a transformed post-apartheid society . The recent events have not mushroomed out of thin air. It is not a coincidence that students of the Panoptic are split into two. The reality is that the seeds of discord have long been sown perpetuated in our daily interactions even symbolized by the names of the venues we attend classes in, up to the coding of the modules we are enrolled in. The Panoptic is therefore systematically organized to ensure oppressive order as a norm. This systematic oppression is so orderly that the black English speaking child is expected to actually identify with this Panoptic proudly even unto upholding its name and image honourably outside of its boundaries. The system harbours the residue of apartheid subtly. The Panoptic aims to be a home to all yet it linguistically and culturally esteems one language and culture over the other. It fails to recognize the importance of integration and transforming its complexion to truly best represent the country it is located in. The exacerbating factor in this regard is how the apathy against proactive initiatives towards change is consistent with a disregard for black lives and a recognition that they don’t really matter that much. The Panoptic’s stance is consistent with the perspective of a supremacist. That is that whatever is inconsistent with the oppressive norms of its history is to be regarded as unimportant or at least not worthy of it being inconvenienced. It therefore puts students of black descent on the backfoot as in endeavouring to engage the Panoptic, there is a concurrent struggle of being recognized by the Panoptic as humans deserving equal standing. The Panoptic views the protestors as subhuman, hooligans, thugs, monkeys and even dogs. The Panoptic will therefore employ its instruments of power to ensure that that is the narrative which ought to perpetuate to delay and hinder civil discussion.

As “hooligans” we agree that violence should be avoided- but honestly, this is not at all costs. Violence becomes a necessary response given a hostile climate coupled with physical provocation. There seems to be a general disregard for the humanity of protesters as human who also get angry. We are “hooligans” angered by systematic, historic and cultural oppression. Anger is such a powerful tool for liberating black people that it is justifiable when it turns into violence against a system which has not seen, heard or felt us. When the oppressed and disadvantaged are constantly undermined and having exhausted all meaningful ways of addressing an issue at hand, the resolution to use violence is justifiable. This is based on the proportionality of the grievance. It is a constant struggle of aligning oneself and incorporating oneself within a system which seeks to exclude one’s existence; a system which refuses to acknowledge the black child or her pain. Protests against the language policy are also a blow against white supremacy. To have a “roll over in the name of avoiding violence” approach is good, but not when it translates into succumbing to the superiority complex the Panoptic has- what then is the meaning of “protest”? As “hooligans” we will to do away with white supremacy, privilege and anti-blackness in its manifestations at the institution. This takes primacy and as “thugs” all means necessary will be employed, including but not limited to violence. Violence is not the primary of the means but when it is expedient it becomes the order of the moment. This is dependent on a number of factors. However, simply put, when confronted with violence, and when there is an obstacle to an objective it usually becomes the only alternative. It may be argued that it does not solve much but may it also be  acknowledged that it does make one listen. It is a bargaining point and our catharsis. Through it there is expression of deep rooted pain against long standing injustices. Whenever violence is used it has been seen that those who are without a voice have found a way to provoke reaction from the establishment. The violence is symbolic of the violence faced daily as its repercussions are as costly in the daily life of a black child (if not more). To fight or take flight is always the option faced by those standing up to the system. To fight or take flight will remain her prerogative. It is really a no brainer when the Panoptic does not recognize “peace” as a legitimate method of solution.

"“Nobody in the world, nobody in history, has ever gotten their freedom by appealing to the moral sense of the people who were oppressing them.” 

― Assata Shakur 

The violence which erupts in the Panoptic nowadays is actually a reaction from the “thugs” “hooligans” “monkeys” and “dogs” who have experienced dehumanizing and racial slurs from those whose privilege the Panoptic is protecting.  This privilege is not going to be let go solely through peaceful talks as the Panoptic has made it clear that it is an ineffective strategy towards change. It is within this context we therefore have to view whatever is depicted as “hooliganism” or “barbarianism”. The black child is firstly dehumanized and then after she is treated like a dog. The black child is oppressed by the white capitalist establishment and she then becomes an underdog. Those who are protesting against the Panoptic’s chains are underdogs, underdogs who are very capable of striking back. This is the perpetual reality behind the forceful demonstrations.  As the oppressed we are not instigators or initiators of violent or forceful means. We are really just underdogs striking back: may we therefore so be painted.

Karma will visit me

I have found myself a keeper, one I am ready to part ways with. This is not of her wrong doing, or mine. On the contrary, the most valuable of possessions are always insured. She has prepared herself too for what we are told is the inevitable. We are reminded that there is no other outcome that could come of this. We are prepared. The both of us are. We both await a broken heart. We both will find ourselves keepers of a broken heart.

Karma will visit me. I will be judged for my trespasses against others who felt what I am feeling now. I may have wrecked homes unknowingly. She has entered my life as a doorway for judgment. I will not blame her for her wrongdoing. I will be hurt because I too have hurt others.

I am trapped in clichés, corny phrases and caring gestures. I am the most vulnerable in the heart of something I have always found myself reasoning against. She will forgive herself for feeling the same towards me. I have felt the warmth of a loving hug. I have fallen for a rebel like me.

Our liberty has turned against us. We are hostages of our own words. Our friends now judge us. We who spoke against the only place we find ourselves not wanting to leave. We are going downhill…quickly.

I have found myself someone who is glad that I am born. She is a champion who smiles with sincerity. She is at the threshold of youthful euphoria. She follows the dictates of her heart. They don’t always make sense to her…she is human.

Karma has a delivery. She has a reputation for serving revenge a cold dish. I will find myself a recipient of a different one though. I have found an exceptional person. Amidst the odds the aim is to be an exception.

This therefore becomes my call. A call to arms. To live, to laugh and to stick together. I would that we give it our all. If we are to rebel like this against ourselves…lets give it our all.

The struggle continues 

i

i

At this very moment, I am craving. I am overwhelmed and afloat. I resurface to find myself in the depths again. There is no sense of closure, but rather I feel streams gushing all around me. I am compelled to share this water yet I drink none of it. I am deeply thirsty and I do not anticipate my thirst to be quenched…not without avoiding the consequences, the ramifications to follow. I fear the rhetoric of those I consider imbeciles. Should I find myself presenting myself as an empty cup, they will do nothing but fill me up with that which evaporates before it trickles down my throat. I am at ransom. I am a beggar of time and those who incarcerate me see themselves as liberators. I look for joy. I look for food. I look for sanitation. I look for clarity. I look for structure. They ask of me that which I search for. I have found a form of refuge in my search; it seems my chains are my greatest weapon. I am hungry and so I hunt. I am thirsty and so I dig. They want answers. I have learnt to “only speak to improve upon silence”. I stand at the mercy of history. I will be vindicated. I will love uncontrollably. I have no certainty but the image which is within me. I will give into my future. I will cause others to thirst too. I believe that is the cycle of which I am supposed to accept. Where will purpose be if everyone is fulfilled? Thirst frustrates, exacerbates and eliminates. At this very moment I choose to remain hostile to myself. I am my own company. There are no answers…the enigma is the conclusion. The conclusion remains the mystery. I will remain thirsty for that which aims to keep me thirsty. I blame nobody.

I crave…this is my way of life.